What a depressing title, right? I know, not the most fun topic for this newbie to Substack, but it’s been on the top of my mind lately. Isn’t this the place to write about things I want, unencumbered by an editor’s notes anyway? (Please excuse my bad grammar in advance.)
Maybe I’m becoming so aware of death because I’m getting up there in age and started to count the years I potentially have left. At first glance, thanks to social media, I think a celebrity has died when I see a post with their name Yesterday one of my daughters went to her boyfriend’s grandfather’s funeral and asked me questions about funeral etiquette, something they don’t teach you in childrearing class. And then, of course, there’s my nearly 11-year-old dog whose aging white fur face makes my heart rip open every time I kiss it. What will I do without him?
Yesterday I turned on the TV and came upon the movie Ghost Movie, an oddball yet warm and funny movie centered around death. It stars Greg Kinnear ( remember As Good As It Gets?) and my hero, Ricky Gervais. Before bitchy-resting-face there was just being deadpan (gender neutral, thanks), and Ricky is king at the expressionless face. He also is a master of normalizing death as a central topic, from his movies to his TV shows. He really finds a way to make death laugh-out-loud funny. I know, death is normal, but when talking about it, people always want to change the subject. It’s such an uncomfortable issue for so many to sit with. “Shhh, can we talk about something else?”.
I say let’s start embracing it. We will all experience it sometime in our, uh, death? Let’s talk about it more so we fear it less, like everything else. Death is actually the final step to a life that is already dying. Isn’t that somehow sadder? When my parents died at 88 and 92, I was sad, of course, but they were lucky enough to have lived that long and suffer very little. Death, for them, was peace.
My ex-husband suffered from Hepatitis C for years. Watching him deteriorate for days in his hospital bed, dying with his daughters by his side, I weirdly found beauty in all of it. His eyes opened wide and looked upward seconds before his last laborious breaths. My daughter said he squeezed her hand at that moment. Kinda beautiful, right?
I know I’m not really saying anything new here. I just wish there was a way to re-think death and take the fear and sadness out of it, hopefully making it less of an emotional head-fuck. Tonight I’ll watch Ricky’s After Death for inspiration and hope and find a way to really live and fully appreciate my time in this dying moment.
My daughter’s boyfriend’s father recently passed away—62 years young. What they decided to do is so different and so interesting. I’m keeping an open mind when it’s my turn. https://www.betterplaceforests.com/
My friend Erica Hill opened a funeral home called SPARROW in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Her whole philosophy is exactly in step with what you expressed in your last paragraph.
She's opening on in Los Angeles next.
Check it out:
https://sparrowny.com/?gclid=CjwKCAiA2rOeBhAsEiwA2Pl7Q544sBbgBCsC19sO9kzcoigbt50ZVd6_qAV5-BIiwO5IipzGcYOupRoCOcEQAvD_BwE
I love that you opened up the floor for a deeper conversation about this. No one gets to opt out of death! I, too, would like to somehow replace the fear with something gentler and more spiritual. I think Erica is on the right track.
xxL